August 20, 2008

• Here is an article from 1999 that I thought was worth digging out of the archives. 
  We parents need gentle reminders some times, don't we? 
  
  

  12 Parenting Essentials

  By: Michael Pearl

  1. Love.
  Love is many a thing, from a feeling that might be selfish, to a
  service done in secret. Love can be the crest of an emotion, or it can
  be the toil of assistance.

  Love can be
  forgiveness, or it can be judgment, a balm to soothe, or a surgical
  knife. Love can be decidedly blind or painfully seeing—praise or
  rebuke.

  If love wore one expression, if its hands were
  always open, if it gave and never retained, then it could exist as a
  sentiment without thought. But true love places a supreme demand on the
  resources of wisdom, for manifestations of love are as varied as human
  need.

  If the end of love were passivity, the absence of
  conflict; if it laid aside principles for peace, laid aside conflict
  for cordiality, it would not be a virtue. It would be vice.

  That love sometimes leads one into desperate
  sacrifice, with no certain promise of return, that it requires trading
  one goodness—your own—for another, makes it as rare as manifestations
  of deity.

  Love must be ready to embrace or to refrain from
  embracing, to give or to deny. It requires expenditure and vigilance.
  Love must be ever alert—a delicate, shifting balance of law and grace.
  The final measure of love is not the cloak of emotion it wears, but the
  service it renders. Certain love is not found in the good feelings but
  in the high cost to the one loving.

  Rather than say, “Children need love,” we must
  define the acts of love by which children will realize their full
  potential. For the sentiment of love can be as harmful as that of hate.
  As all the Law is contained in this one commandment, “Thou shalt love
  thy neighbor as thyself,” so parenting is nothing more than the
  activity of love. But as the law meticulously defines the expressions
  of love, so the works of love must be defined.

  2. Security

  Not just physical security—sometimes parents cannot
  control the circumstances—but security of soul. It is not only that
  parents provide food, shelter, and clothes, but that children feel
  their commitment to do so. This is not about what you do; it is about
  atmosphere, the very breath of home-life. The soul of a parent is the
  source of this security. Outward circumstances cannot touch that secret
  place where children feel their parents’ love and good will. Morale is
  of utmost significance in business, war, and sports; how much more in a
  child attempting to win against the world? The child must be able to
  assuredly say to himself, “I am worth having people care about me.”

  This inner security is absolutely essential to
  healthy development. Without that peace of soul that comes with knowing
  that you are supremely valued and that there are people in the world
  who have an unswerving commitment to your happiness, then a child has
  no ground on which to stand while growing up.

  A well ordered and disciplined environment can be
  helpful, but it is not essential. Children living in poverty,
  occasionally evicted from tenement houses, cast upon the street with
  all their belongings, and ridiculed by their peers can still be rich in
  emotional security. Children of single parents can also be secure and
  stable. “Disadvantaged minorities” need not be disadvantaged in
  providing emotional security for their children. Providing for a
  child’s physical needs is insufficient in and of itself. It takes a
  giving soul, not just a giving hand.

  3. Acceptance

  This does not mean that children are to receive
  unconditional approval, but that whether parents are approving or
  disapproving, children never feel that they have been dismissed. Our
  present age is pervaded with the “to each his own” approach to human
  relations. It is the assumption that there are no absolutes. Allow the
  child “free expression,” never reject any conduct, maintain a positive
  face regardless of behavior. The error of this is apparent in its
  fruit.

  But the relationship parents have to their children
  is different from general society. It is the parents’ duty, as well as
  their instinct, to accept and care for their children until they leave
  the nest. Regardless of children’s conduct, they must know that their
  parents have an unconditional commitment to their ongoing development.
  For someone else to value your life is to have a life that is never
  without value. To have someone else forgive, when you cannot forgive
  yourself, leaves the door of forgiveness ever open. To have someone
  accept you, when your conduct demands that you be rejected by all,
  places you under demand to act so as to deserve the sweetness of that
  acceptance.

  4. Respect

  Children are future adults—little people. They
  have the same souls, the same feelings, pride, shame, desire to be
  accepted, to be approved. Children have opinions, ideas, and views that
  they like to share. They may talk you to death, but often what is
  tiresome to an adult is significant to a child.

  A child has a right not to be tickled until it
  hurts, not to be bullied aside simply because he is smaller. If a child
  is to respect himself and others, he must be shown respect. A child
  that does not respect the person, rights, and feelings of others is
  usually just reciprocating in kind. A human being without self-respect
  is lower than an animal. Children estimate their value according to how
  they are valued by others.

  5. Communication

  Communication is the vehicle of society.
  Interpersonal relationships are built on communication. It is essential
  for intellectual development. Several studies have shown that infants
  isolated in their cribs, away from human contact, score much lower on
  IQ tests taken later in life. Children that are not the objects of
  communication become incommunicative. Read to your infants. Show them
  things and give a name to everything. Talk with, not just to, your
  three- and six-year-olds. Listen to your teenagers and learn from them.

  6. Time

  Not just “quality time” but quantity time. Know
  this, that when you are not spending time with your children, someone
  else is. When you received your child into this world, it was like
  receiving a beautiful book with all blank pages. Like a daily planner,
  each fifteen-minute interval has an empty line beside it. Your child’s
  history is not yet written. The sum total of life is the accumulation
  of minutes—minutes listening to someone, talking to someone, seeing or
  hearing something said by another, or minutes consumed watching a video
  produced by a disreputable character from Hollywood. Everyday, you
  write in that book, line by line; or you take your child to a baby
  sitter or to school, and you turn the book over to someone else, and
  they too write into your child’s life. The hour you spend with your
  child is not more influential than the hour someone else spends. Value
  time enough to spend it on your children.

  7. Boundaries

  Children must learn quickly that they are not the
  center of the universe. Others have needs and rights as well.
  Self-restraint is essential to society. Animals do what they want to do
  and what they are big enough to do with impunity. Humans must consider
  what is right—thus boundaries. Just as nature contains innate laws that
  carry consequences when violated, so the world of mind and soul is
  governed by laws (boundaries). Boundaries exist even where they are not
  recognized. When a two-year-old takes something away from a
  three-year-old, he discovers a boundary.

  Children need to have it deeply instilled that they
  are subject to irrevocable boundaries. Boundaries with no consequences
  are no longer boundaries. That one should design his own boundaries and
  be responsible to no one is anarchy. Self-control is the pinnacle of
  human existence. The essence of sin is lack of self-control. It is the
  parents’ responsibility to clearly legislate boundaries and enforce the
  keeping of them.

  8. Structure

  Doing the same thing each day at the same time is
  structure. Any individual, not just children, left to do as he pleases
  from one moment to the next will likely do nothing unless it is
  immediately gratifying. To determine ahead of time what needs to be
  done and then doing it at the allotted time enables one to do the
  unpleasant with regularity. A schedule prevents one from
  procrastination. It relieves boredom, gives a sense of security, and
  minimizes stress. Good habits of scheduling one’s time are best
  established early in life, before four years old. Without structure,
  the child lives as an irresponsible rogue. Structure allows children to
  set goals and sacrifice to reach them. It is the road to betterment.

  One of the most common concerns of parents is
  sibling squabbles. Children that are on schedules are far less likely
  to gripe, complain, and fight.

  9. Belonging / Significance

  Children must feel they are a vital part of
  something significant. One feels himself to be a part of that to which
  he lends significant contribution. A child that is served, but not
  called upon to contribute, will have low self-esteem. Everyone needs to
  be needed.

  “Positive affirmation” is degrading if it is not
  based on genuine performance. Children will appreciate praise to the
  extent that it accurately reflects their real performance. False praise
  is received as manipulation. When children are part of a family team
  overcoming real obstacles, they know they are needed. Their
  contributions are essential, so they are essential. To struggle
  together and win together is the wedding of souls.

  10. Example

  Be what you want your children to be. “More is
  caught than taught.” Children read actions better than words. They are
  imitators, taking on the likeness of the ones they most admire. If you
  cannot walk your talk, don’t expect them to. When the older child
  develops bad habits, the younger children will follow his example and
  probably take it a step further in the wrong direction. Likewise, if
  you get that first child in control, you have a good example for other
  children who come behind.

  11. Crisis management

  Life often moves from one crisis to another,
  especially for children and teens. There is frustration,
  disappointment, rejection, failure, sickness, pain, etc. The ability to
  view supposed crises as opportunities greatly lessens the stress in
  life. A person with that kind of outlook is called “brave, resilient,”
  or “wise.”

  You might call this, “coping skills.” When you are
  there beside your child for eighteen years, you will share responses to
  life’s knocks. They will learn from you how to deal with anger and
  conflict.

  12. The meaning of life

  A human without purpose is a parasite. In the heart
  of everyone is the faint knowledge that “I have been placed on this
  earth for a purpose higher than pleasure. I have a destiny to fulfill.”
  As Christians, we know our destiny is to “be conformed to the image of
  his son (Rom, 8: 29).” We must teach our children to live in light of
  eternity.

  I entered the photo contest this week and my picture is up along with a lot of really great shots.  Please take a look.  The topic this week is SunShine.
  Vote for your favorite......anyone can vote. 

  • 10:01 am
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